Last Wishes

I grew up living with my grandparents so I guess some of my first childhood outings were to the Funeral Home. There’s a keen interest in the southern way of death. We expect high drama for the last rites. Mom was afraid this would warp me, but the damage was already done. I grew up with a true interest for being a "little morbid" as my fiancé would say. I can remember my family members having the funeral hotline on speed dial and asking questions from the time I could talk when we would pass the Funeral Home and there were cars in the parking lot I'd quote "Who died?" Not that I would know or even care at that age; but out of habit I guess from hearing my grandmother ask so often.




So now that I work at the Funeral Home and assist others in planning their funerals, I thought I should make my final wishes known. This was my big fear – my husband and friends were too tasteful to give me a real southern funeral. Let me write down some elements and express my last wishes:



The music: Bagpipes. Not required for a southern funeral, but there’s something wonderfully eerie about that music skirling around the tombstones. Makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck, which is a proper reaction for a traditional southern funeral.



The body: I’m not anxious to contribute this for a few decades. But when it happens, keep that coffin lid open. Southerners get suspicious if you close it. We suspect foul play. And make sure I look my best, if a little nip/tuck here or there is needed by all means do so, spray tan is also a request, my hair is to be styled perfectly, and of course I will need an outfit for Visitation, and a wardrobe change for the burial.



I’d appreciate being buried in something gaudy that will cause lots of talk. Black of course, but large gaudy jewelry is a must! The bigger the better.



The coffin: Shockingly tacky. Please avoid the "Tapestry Rose" coffin, however popular pale pink and roses just wont do it for me. Gene Simmons from KISS has a casket line that will be sure to fit my taste a little better. Again, remember I like bling! Gaudy and sparkly.



The eulogy: I’d like a little truth along with the stories of what a wonderful person I was (and there must be a minimum of 4 speakers ensuring I was, feel free to hire dramatic actors and actresses if needed.) It’s OK to say I monopolized the conversation, that I was always on my cell phone, you get the picture.



The first person who says, "I’m not going to say anything that will make you cry, because she loved jokes. She wouldn’t want us to cry" is crazy. When I’m dead, excessive weeping, hair tearing, garment rending and teeth gnashing is acceptable. I won’t be back, except to haunt the people who didn't make sure my hair was flat ironed or forgot to add an extra coat of mascara.



The graveside ceremony: I hereby reserve a thousand bucks for the first person who throws himself/herself on my coffin and wails that he/she can’t live without me. I realize that many of my friends by then may have had back and/or knee surgery, so this could be risky. If you want to sit on the edge of the grave and lower yourself in gradually, that works for me. Just make sure you’re yelling how you can’t live without me.



The funeral scandal: No southern funeral is complete without a scandal. There’s another thousand bucks to the first very young handsome man who professes his secretive love for me and swears that I was the inspiration for whatever popular love ballads were written in the last decade. You know the Titanic effect, like in the movie how Rose had this fairytale whirlwind omance that she never spoke of until that day. It will all be fabricated, but I appreciate the effort on my behalf and oh how the gossip mill will start turning.



Flowers: The bigger the better. Please send tasteless displays, like at a mob funeral. In lieu of flowers, you can also make a donation to some local band striving to make it big, just make sure they cover some Bon Jovi songs at the funeral.



Pall bearers: Ok, I am sure by then I will have specific instructions on what outfits to wear, they must all be in matching outfits, all black. And if those band members want to pitch in fine with me, just make sure you look like you stepped out of a Motley Crue video, and again, all love ballads were "written about me".



The sermon: I want a fire and brimstone preacher, who scares the heck out of the mourners and makes them all feel they’re next. Lights and Pyrotechnics show will be appreciatted as well. A 21 gun salute and honor guard, no I am not a Veteran, but hey any excuse for men in uniform, come on.



Duration of the visitation: At least three days, drag it out so the funeral staff is on first name basis with my entire extended family. Make sure I get my money's worth ;)



Funeral Food-no true southern funeral is complete without food. No stale sandwiches and sheet cake's brought in by the church ladies, let’s have a real sendoff with scandalous amounts of catered food, lots of rich chocolate cake, fried EVERYTHING, and gallons of EXTRA SWEET tea. I will be speeding up the clogged artery process for my loved one's so they can join me soon.