Southern Funerals

WE DO LOVE A GOOD FUNERAL




Here in the South we love a good funeral. When a person is dead, they have the largest number of people they'll ever have attend a party, lie in the most expensive satin lined bed, and ride in a limousine with a parade in their honor. I don't know if everybody does these things, but in the South we celebrate the fact that this person lived. It's just a shame they're not around to enjoy it.







Death and food go hand-in-hand in the South, also. A wonderful custom is the bringing of the traditional pound cakes, casseroles, ham and, of course, fried chicken. In fact, people are so intent on feeding the bereft family that they will take food not only to the spouse's house, but some will deliver to brothers, sisters, parents and cousins. We do love a good excuse to eat, and we all know that food can be very consoling.



And then there's the inevitable comments at the funeral home. Some will lean way over into the casket as if they're checking to make sure it's really the person they came to see. Then they'll turn to the person standing there waiting their turn and say, "He looks so natural." Now, here's a man with a pale face, dressed in an outfit that he never wore in everyday life, and he's being compared to being alive. And then there's the glasses. I have yet to look into a coffin and see a person's eyes open, but many times they'll have on their eyeglasses.







A lot of times the comments are not even about the deceased. It's not uncommon to see two people standing over the casket laughing and talking about something completely unrelated, totally ignoring the fact that there's a dead body right there.





Then we have our own version of the professional mourners. There are two or three people that I have seen during visitation at every funeral I've attended. Granted in a small town a lot of people know the same people, but everyone? These ladies are always dressed nicely, consoling family members and speaking kindly about the deceased. If there's refreshments available, they always manage to be close in case they're needed.





And, of course, no funeral would be complete in the South without an abundance of songs and preaching. It's not necessary that the Good Reverend know the deceased; he'll find a good 30 minutes of something to talk about anyway.





Then after everyone gets in their car, there's the inevitable line of cars to the grave site, which most people will attend. We don't care if it's 30 miles to the cemetery. We just get in line and follow the car in front of us. I have known people to start out for the cemetery and end up at Wal-Mart.





Yeah, we do love a good funeral here, but we also respect our fellow man. Our policemen will remove their hats at a funeral procession. Cars will pull over and wait for the group to pass by, and many people will watch politely and silently as the cars go by. Traditions die hard in the South, and I hope this one remains a long, long time. I think I would miss it.

Last Wishes

I grew up living with my grandparents so I guess some of my first childhood outings were to the Funeral Home. There’s a keen interest in the southern way of death. We expect high drama for the last rites. Mom was afraid this would warp me, but the damage was already done. I grew up with a true interest for being a "little morbid" as my fiancé would say. I can remember my family members having the funeral hotline on speed dial and asking questions from the time I could talk when we would pass the Funeral Home and there were cars in the parking lot I'd quote "Who died?" Not that I would know or even care at that age; but out of habit I guess from hearing my grandmother ask so often.




So now that I work at the Funeral Home and assist others in planning their funerals, I thought I should make my final wishes known. This was my big fear – my husband and friends were too tasteful to give me a real southern funeral. Let me write down some elements and express my last wishes:



The music: Bagpipes. Not required for a southern funeral, but there’s something wonderfully eerie about that music skirling around the tombstones. Makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck, which is a proper reaction for a traditional southern funeral.



The body: I’m not anxious to contribute this for a few decades. But when it happens, keep that coffin lid open. Southerners get suspicious if you close it. We suspect foul play. And make sure I look my best, if a little nip/tuck here or there is needed by all means do so, spray tan is also a request, my hair is to be styled perfectly, and of course I will need an outfit for Visitation, and a wardrobe change for the burial.



I’d appreciate being buried in something gaudy that will cause lots of talk. Black of course, but large gaudy jewelry is a must! The bigger the better.



The coffin: Shockingly tacky. Please avoid the "Tapestry Rose" coffin, however popular pale pink and roses just wont do it for me. Gene Simmons from KISS has a casket line that will be sure to fit my taste a little better. Again, remember I like bling! Gaudy and sparkly.



The eulogy: I’d like a little truth along with the stories of what a wonderful person I was (and there must be a minimum of 4 speakers ensuring I was, feel free to hire dramatic actors and actresses if needed.) It’s OK to say I monopolized the conversation, that I was always on my cell phone, you get the picture.



The first person who says, "I’m not going to say anything that will make you cry, because she loved jokes. She wouldn’t want us to cry" is crazy. When I’m dead, excessive weeping, hair tearing, garment rending and teeth gnashing is acceptable. I won’t be back, except to haunt the people who didn't make sure my hair was flat ironed or forgot to add an extra coat of mascara.



The graveside ceremony: I hereby reserve a thousand bucks for the first person who throws himself/herself on my coffin and wails that he/she can’t live without me. I realize that many of my friends by then may have had back and/or knee surgery, so this could be risky. If you want to sit on the edge of the grave and lower yourself in gradually, that works for me. Just make sure you’re yelling how you can’t live without me.



The funeral scandal: No southern funeral is complete without a scandal. There’s another thousand bucks to the first very young handsome man who professes his secretive love for me and swears that I was the inspiration for whatever popular love ballads were written in the last decade. You know the Titanic effect, like in the movie how Rose had this fairytale whirlwind omance that she never spoke of until that day. It will all be fabricated, but I appreciate the effort on my behalf and oh how the gossip mill will start turning.



Flowers: The bigger the better. Please send tasteless displays, like at a mob funeral. In lieu of flowers, you can also make a donation to some local band striving to make it big, just make sure they cover some Bon Jovi songs at the funeral.



Pall bearers: Ok, I am sure by then I will have specific instructions on what outfits to wear, they must all be in matching outfits, all black. And if those band members want to pitch in fine with me, just make sure you look like you stepped out of a Motley Crue video, and again, all love ballads were "written about me".



The sermon: I want a fire and brimstone preacher, who scares the heck out of the mourners and makes them all feel they’re next. Lights and Pyrotechnics show will be appreciatted as well. A 21 gun salute and honor guard, no I am not a Veteran, but hey any excuse for men in uniform, come on.



Duration of the visitation: At least three days, drag it out so the funeral staff is on first name basis with my entire extended family. Make sure I get my money's worth ;)



Funeral Food-no true southern funeral is complete without food. No stale sandwiches and sheet cake's brought in by the church ladies, let’s have a real sendoff with scandalous amounts of catered food, lots of rich chocolate cake, fried EVERYTHING, and gallons of EXTRA SWEET tea. I will be speeding up the clogged artery process for my loved one's so they can join me soon.

The Arrangement Process

Working with families during the passing of a loved one, I have found that although most people have suffered a loss, many are very unsure of what to expect during an arrangement meeting with a funeral professional or what informmation is needed.  I have tried to compose a briefing of this process that may be helpful.

The Arrangement Process


It is never easy to prepare for a loved one’s death. We have provided a helpful list of the things that may be needed or discussed while arranging or prearranging. We will then guide you through the entire arrangement process, explaining how you can create a memorable personal celebration of your loved one's life.

This process may include:

o Preparing and filing the official death certificate

o Scheduling the location, date and time of services or events

o Selecting a casket, urn or other items

o Preparing an obituary notice

o Selecting memorial items

o Selecting pallbearers

You may also sign necessary authorizations or make arrangements to have them signed by the appropriate family members.

You may also want to collect any photos, a favorite song, or memorabilia so that you and your funeral arranger can better discuss how you would like your loved one to be remembered.

Our funeral arrangers will assist you in planning a loving tribute that captures the spirit of the person as well as one that fits into your budget.

The following checklist will help you remember what information about the decedent and items will be needed when meeting with a funeral arranger.

o Full legal name

o Home address

o Social Security number

o Date of birth

o Place of birth

o Father's name

o Mother's maiden name

o Veteran's discharge papers (DD-214)

o Recent Photograph

o Highest education

o Occupation

o Place of burial (if applicable)

o Clothing

o Clergy name and phone number

o Survivors (name and relationship)

o Insurance policies (if applicable)